I was honored to have written this piece as the cover story for CoSIDA Magazine this month. The link is here…
We’re the diggers, the storytellers, the listeners, the notetakers, the partners, the fixers; yet for all the work we do in a people business, the pressures we take on to help other people can leave us on an island forgetting, frankly, that we’re not just professionals, but people too.
It’s sometimes amazing that, for a business of strategic communicators based in team sports, many can get deep in the woods and feel like they are alone. Alone in their thoughts, personal and professional challenges can become overwhelming.
For me, having spent over 30 years in the field of communications and storytelling working on everything from the Super Bowl and Broadway shows to fights and field hockey, it’s still very easy to get caught in the moment. The benefit of time, age and experience — as well as some difficult life lessons learned and observed — has put me in a position to find the mental balance and stay focused in mind, even as the rigors and demands of working on one’s own still creates the requisite amount of “agida,” as we Italians say, and sleepless nights from time to time.
Moderation, as the great communicator Ben Franklin liked to say, in all things, is key.
Now that’s not to say that we are slackers or let things go. Doing the work, and living a life of over-delivering is really what makes a “people business” like communications thrive, especially on the college level, or at least it should. Listening to those around you and telling the stories of the student-athletes, administrators, coaches, families, staff, alumni, recruits and brands is the good stuff.
The perceived “bad stuff” — long hours, sometimes questionable pay, issues with respect and understanding of the work being done and sometimes the lack of quantifiable results in a business judged ultimately as a zero-sum game — can be difficult, to say nothing of balancing the life issues friends and colleagues deal with like finances, family, job security and the like.
With that as the challenge, we decided to talk to some folks who have been through the ringer and have come out the other side. Their thoughts, their lessons, and their outlook are invaluable and provide great insight into how even on the darkest of days, you realize that you can find not just the light, but the brightness of career, family and a fulfilled life worth living and an understanding that the challenges of the mind are just as daunting as those we see on fields.
Following are the stories of Ryan Bower (Florida Southern), Katie Gwinn Hewitt (Michigan) and Mex Carey (Michigan State). Three unique individuals whose mental well-being has been put to the test for three very different reasons.
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“I wasn’t really sure how dark things had gotten until I tried to take my own life. Thankfully, I didn’t.”
Today when you talk to Ryan Bower, the Director of Athletic Communications at Florida Southern College, it’s hard to see how for him, the overwhelming pressure of a new job whose expectations were not what was promised, an abusive relationship, undetected clinical depression and a brutal work ethic almost became too much. How much is too much? He told us in a blog post:
“On Thursday afternoon with Dad joining me in the office for the day, I walked into a bathroom on campus, wrapped my belt around my neck, and decided that this would be it. Luckily – I didn’t go through with it – instead I ran to my dad, and asked if he would take me to the doctor.”
What followed for Ryan was a process of self-realization, professional help, community building and support that led him back from the depths to where he is today. Now, he’s happier, more successful and more balanced and productive than ever both personally and on the job. The first step he needed to take after coming through a period of hospitalization, was to look inward and have the faith to realize that to find stability, moderation is needed.
“I was never a person to say ‘no’ to people, and I think that’s really reflective of everything we do in communications,” he said during a recent telephone conversation as FSC was getting ready to begin another fall of intercollegiate athletics on campus. “Now, I realize that saying no” is OK from time to time. Nothing we do is really life and death. Important and effective? Yes. But often times we are left, usually without a support group of colleagues, to fend for ourselves and take it all on, and that’s not healthy. I certainly don’t shirk my work, but I know I had to go through what I went through to realize that my growth as a person and a professional isn’t measured by stats, it’s better measured by my impact on those around me. That impact is only effective when I’m working and living at a healthy balanced level.”
For Bower, who was diagnosed with treatable clinical depression after his suicide attempt, being able to find people to talk to (his parents, Phil and Kelly), a mentor to engage with (Senior Associate Athletic Director Drew Howard), and better management of time led him back from an unthinkable brink, one which he admits he never really saw coming until it was almost too late. Luckily not just for him, but for the hundreds of friends, family and colleagues who look up to him and depend on him for leadership and guidance themselves, too late never came. What came was “just in time.”
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“I’m a worker,” is how University of Michigan Associate Director for External Relations Katie Gwinn Hewitt describes herself. “Although it doesn’t define who I am, it’s my passion and it’s what also makes me, me.” What also makes Katie “her” is the desire to be a supportive spouse, mother and friend away from the volleyball courts and baseball field of Ann Arbor, and that mental mix has brought on its own set of challenges.
Hewitt is not the easiest person to nail down for a phone conversation about her challenges, and it’s with good reason; she and her husband Matthew are expecting their first child, and Katie is on the run between Wolverine matches and other on-campus duties as she readies for her new addition which, conveniently, should arrive some time just before pitchers and catchers get ready for the 2019 baseball season.
“I’ve always been a planner, but this was a little bit of a plan that kind of took its own course,” she laughed as we spoke in early September.
While the Saint Leo University graduate has always looked to schedule and achieve goals both in work and in life (“we set savings goals, when we wanted to get married, where we could live and when it would be good to have a child”), sometimes, especially for someone around baseball as much as Katie is, life throws you, well, curveballs.
The biggest challenge she has dealt with has nothing to do with sets and digs, or stolen bases — it has had to do with the ability to grow her family. While some in the male-dominated world of sports information may not give motherhood much of a second thought in the workplace even today, the challenge of family and work in and around live sporting events year-round presented many obstacles internally, especially as Katie dealt with not just one but two miscarriages — one of which came during the heart of volleyball season. While Katie said she physically made it through each time as well as can be expected, having to find ways to manage the emotional strain was far more difficult.
“I know it’s a business where most of my colleagues are going to be men, and trying to explain something like this is not easy, even with coaches and people in the office who were really supportive and understanding.”
“For me, my passion for work and to get back in my routine was what drove me. The experience, which was extremely personal, actually made me stronger, but the ability for me to get back to a job I love was so key in helping things get back on track,” she said.
And like Ryan Bower, Hewitt drew strength from her inner circle to manage the mental and physical challenges, especially from her husband of three years. “Having the right partner, someone who fits and understands your needs, especially the long hours, is so key,” she added. “Matthew knew that for me to be happy I had to be back at work doing what I love and taking care of the teams I work with. Diving headfirst into my work allowed me to cope and heal, and he respected and encouraged that.”
It’s that support system that helped not just bring balance, but encouraged personal growth in a difficult series of physical times for a young rising professional in a very demanding job.
“I always tried to not say ‘why me’ when I was going through the challenges we faced, because at the end of the day the only person who was really going through what I was dealing with was me,” she added. “When I came to the realization, especially after seeing the support of those around me, that this was the challenge I was facing, I found the strength to drive myself to be stronger, and that drive, something that I think we all have, is what got me back on track.”
This fall that track includes preparing for a new family arrival this winter, as well as making sure that job satisfaction is at an all-time high. Hewitt and several colleagues also run a great site that helps tell stories of women in the profession called Sparkles & Sports. Another way for her to give back, and reach out to a community that may think they are all alone.
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And then there’s Mex.
Anyone who has been around intercollegiate Division I men’s basketball, especially in the Big East for the last 20 or so years, knows Michael “Mex” Carey. From St. Bonaventure to St. John’s and then Georgetown, Mex Carey was, and is, among the most effective sports communicators at the intercollegiate level. No event was ever too small, no story too outrageous, no relationship too trivial for Mex, who worked his way up the ranks, eventually becoming Assistant AD for Communications with the Hoyas, a key career marker during a solid 12-year run in D.C. Sometimes, however, that path takes an unusual and unexpected turn, for no reason other than a new regime, a new owner, a new boss wants to make a change. After a dozen years, on came Patrick Ewing as the new head men’s basketball coach, and Carey’s role shifted back to a support role versus being the main decision maker and strategist for communications of the school’s most prominent program. He was not being shown the door, but the step back was a tough one.
“Make no mistake about it, I loved being at Georgetown and could have stayed,” Carey said from his year-old perch at Michigan State University. “However, it would have been in a role that I didn’t think was right for me anymore, so I had to see what else was out there.”
What was out there was a chance to pull up roots — not an uncommon thing in today’s fluid workplace — and join the staff at MSU as the associate director of communications for men’s basketball, a sport that was clearly his first love and the space where he had done his best work. While the opportunity came with some great professional gain, now working with legendary coach Tom Izzo, there was a good amount of personal strain that went along with the decision. Carey’s wife Cassie and daughter Meghan were going to stay behind in suburban Maryland so Meghan could finish her last two years of high school. A family unit that was always so close was going to be pushed apart with the challenges of work.
Compounding the situation was the fact that Carey’s window of adjustment was very short, as he would be starting just before basketball practices started. In addition to little runway to learn the ins and outs of the program and his role, there was the massive stress — and loneliness — of being halfway across the country at a critical developmental time for his daughter as she would be choosing a college and making life-impacting decisions. The work-life balance that Carey had enjoyed for a long period in D.C. was suddenly gone, along with the traditional escapes of family.
How did he work through this helpless feeling? One way was, frankly, technology. “We were very lucky to have things like Skype and Facetime. If it was 10 years ago, I’m not sure if the long distance phone calls would have been as comforting,” Carey half joked. “We talk a lot about the perils of technology and social media, but technology really helped me to hold it together during those longer, lonely days.”
Similar to the situations at Florida Southern and Michigan, he also was sought out and was welcomed by a management team that understood the stress he was going through and found ways to help make a difficult transition easier.
“Coach Izzo said right from the beginning that the job is here to do but it’s family first,” he added. “And, the same went for (MSU Associate AD) Matt Larson. They knew I was a professional and would do the job and take care of what we needed. But, if something arose that needed to be handled at home, I had the runway to make sure it was OK.” Carey also took the time to find the holes in the MSU schedule where he could sneak back to D.C. for a few days here and there, and those trips home provided a sense of normalcy, as well as a chance to plan and budget time to make sure that family and work had a smooth medium.
“The big challenge we have in athletics is the 24/7 nature of the business, but the opportunity is that you know the schedule and can plan accordingly,” he added. “Being able to project out when I could come home to see Cassie and Meghan, and make sure during that time we took care of some of the critical things that made us a family, was really key for me staying focused. Time management is critical in sports for sure, but it’s literally a life saver in our jobs as well.”
This fall, as he readies for another big Spartan season, the Careys in suburban Maryland have shared a house with family friends as Meghan completes high school. The time away may seem a little shorter for the second year go round, all based on lessons learned from year one.
“It was a big test personally and professionally to figure this out, and we were able to do so as a family,” he added. “I didn’t have all the answers and I could not have done it alone. It would not have worked. It worked because we took the time to address the challenges and make them into positives. Was it easy? No. But if you look at it as a challenge that needs to be solved for the long run and not as an endless, hopeless problem, you learn a great deal and you find positives in the challenge. That’s what I will take from this. That I personally, and we as a family, can take on challenges and thrive.”\
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7 Lessons Learned
What can we learn from these three deeply personal, but very different, stories from our colleagues? While no two situations are the same, there are lessons we can all take and apply to our own unique struggles in life.
1. You’re never alone.
We work in an industry built on team. Yet, this aspect of the industry — communications — can be very insular at times. We are the problem solvers and the fixers and there is no shortage of people coming to us with issues. That burden can weigh very heavily, especially because sport can be so emotional for those involved, from coaches and players to boosters and brand partners and administrators. They all have deeply personal “stuff” they are dealing with as well, and sometimes we forget that as we try and be the solvers. Always remember that you are never alone in the decision process.
“I often looked at my job as the be-all and end-all, and if a coach was screaming about getting stats right now I would drop everything to get it done,” Ryan Bower said. “Now I try and take a second, a very calm second, to find the balance and get the job done but not let it rule my life. I can turn to someone, someone who was probably always there, and ask for help to do something. We get it done as a team, and that little help makes me so much better.”
2. Control the things you can.
By all accounts, including those of people still on the ground at Georgetown, Mex Carey did everything he should have done to be a personal success and move the needle with the Hoyas as a new men’s basketball era began. Yet despite that, a new leadership group in hoops decided to make some changes to the culture and the staff, and he had to make a decision to move on. The lesson learned is that sometimes, especially with management changes, there is little you can to do move the course of the river. You build, you learn, you do the best you can, and you control what you can control. You try really hard to fit in a changing situation, but sometimes the powers that be have a different vision. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. Many times it’s not personal unless you make it personal. It’s very easy to be bitter and disappointed, but you need to learn and move on. You take the blow, find the positives, you adjust and keep things going. Worrying about things you can’t control is neither healthy nor productive for anyone for the long term.
3. Enjoy the people and the moments.
We’re a business that literally has a heartbeat, and sometimes we get deeply caught up in elements that we have no control over; analytics, wins, losses, even weather. The root of this business is relationships, and helping navigate those relationships and tell stories to audiences big and small is a great part of the passionate journey. Taking the time to appreciate those little moments, amplifying the successes big and small, and building a life through success and service is incredibly rewarding if you just take the time to stop and appreciate the passage of time as it moves along. The people and the places, not the things, make the difference.
4. The path can choose you sometimes.
Lots of people talk about having a plan and it’s always smart to have an idea of where things are going and how you can proactively shape your narrative. Katie Hewitt had a plan and was following through on it. But, life has a way of changing the course of that planned journey from time to time. It’s the challenge of sport that we see every day; sometimes no matter what you do, the plan goes awry and you have to adjust. Hitting those curveballs is part of the dynamic, but also part of the fun. Every day should be a day of learning. Often, no one will be there to guide you, and you’ll make plenty of mistakes. It will be the sum of your experiences that mold you personally and professionally, and teach you how to adjust; a skill which we’re all still learning every day.
5. Find a mentor.
Another piece of advice you hear a lot, but it sometimes gets pooh-poohed. Find someone in your life, in your field, who has been there that you can turn to, and who can be a counterbalance to what you’re doing. Having a mentor doesn’t mean just being a ventor. Complain and learn, but don’t just use that person as someone to have along and spew negativity. Your mentor is more than just a shoulder to cry on.
A good mentor will also help in another area that’s critical in overcoming life challenges — listening. In business storytelling today, one of the key elements that is missing is the ability to listen. A good mentor will not just be there to listen to you, but can help as you listen to him or her.
6. Balance.
If you love what you do, it’s easy to become consumed, and we’re all guilty of this. However, find the time to balance. The pressure we put upon ourselves can be crushing, but knowing when to listen, to rest and seize a positive aspect of the everyday is so, so crucial especially as you get older and move ahead in a career. Mandy Antonacci has a great TedX Talk about “Looking Up,” and the things we find when we look up and around us. She has gone through a great amount of unforeseen issues in her life in recent years, including a health problem that literally made her look up and around. Her talk is worth your time.
7. Don’t take yourself so seriously all the time.
This comes with time, but we in sports and entertainment always assume that our tasks are the be-all and end-all; and that the world is constantly focused on the minutia of the day. While it’s hugely important to do all you do well, it’s also really important to realize that mistakes are usually correctable. When I was the youngest at the time leading a communications team in the NBA with the Philadelphia 76ers, or also being the youngest Division I SID at 22 at Iona College in 1986, I had a huge issue with FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) and always wanted to be everywhere and doing everything. It put tremendous pressure on myself and frankly, I cringe at some of the stupid things I did, such as yelling at a fellow employee who was trying to express an opinion on game night operations (one of my biggest regrets to this day, and I think about it every time I see him as he has risen to great heights with the team).
As a business focused on COMMUNICATING we are sometimes our own worst enemies, and it’s not a problem easily solved. The pressures, sometimes self-imposed, can seem insurmountable at times, but, as learned from those we talked to and the lessons we all have on our own, they really don’t have to be. We have a valuable skill that is sometimes underappreciated because it’s not quantifiable in traditional ways in sport. However the most valuable skill we have is being problem solvers and storytellers not just for others but for ourselves. That skill isn’t honed in a silo. It takes a village, and as you have hopefully learned from those we talked to who have been through the ringer, the villagers are around us to help, just ask them.
