It always seems to happen more around this time of year for various reasons…fiscal calendars, graduations, changes in leadership and so on…but the spigot on people reaching out to find out what’s next in their careers seems to get much bigger.
One theme that always seems to come up is the question of “why people don’t get back to me right away.” When people reach out as they seem more and more concerned and frustrated, it is usually one of the first things I address. Many can’t seem to understand that colleagues, friends, neighbors who THEY have helped for years suddenly seem to turn a blind eye to them. They can’t fathom why when they were part of the insider’s group at a company or a team they ere part of conversations and strategy and camaraderie, and now they see posts on social platforms from former colleagues that they are no longer included in and it is upsetting to them.
They wonder about their impact and their legacy, and many seem to get jealous when people who have benefitted from their hard work move on, and even when small opportunities come up to include them in…parties, weddings, get-togthers…they are no longer on “the list.” Some even move to the point of anger, building lists of people who they helped who are now “slighting them” when they are needed.
I have done all these things in the past, and the advice I tell people now is as hard as it is, don’t take it personally. It may not seem fair or accurate to you today, but you are now on other people’s time, they are not on yours, and finding ways to stay informed, relevant and positive will pay greater dividends than being angry or bitter or desperate.
There is also an amazement in these conversations about the “hear from” people. They are the group, we probably all know them, who you “hear from” when they need something and NEVER when they don’t. You are a business asset to them…a piece of a transaction, you have a resource that they need, or you hold information that is critical to them, and they reach out looking for something. You have value as an asset, not as much as a person. There is rarely a quid pro quo, and that surprises people. It angers many people to a large extent, and those “hear froms” go on the list to the point where when they are confronted sometimes, a relationship ends. In most cases I have found the “hear froms” don’t actually realize they are perceived that way, and in some other instances when the “hear froms” don’t get responses they are surprised that people don’t get back to them quickly. It’s all part of the learning experience, and most of it is not personal.
That for the newly indoctrinated, is hard to sometimes accept.
It’s personal to them.
I raise this not only because of the inbounds and the time of year, but because of the sudden passing of three colleagues recently (it always seems to come in three’s doesn’t it). Doug Pirnie and Jeff Spurbeck were lost in tragic accidents in recent weeks, Howie Evans passed away after health issues. None of the three, I don’t believe, fell into the category of “hear froms.’ All accounts, mine included, were that they were on the other side, people who were being reached out to for help, and for the most part were those who always were there for people large and small, not looking for a return on the investment of friendship. Doug, who had a long career as the ombudsman of sorts at IMG, made me a longstanding, unsolicited offer we sadly never took him up on….to join on a special trip behind the scenes at The Museum of Natural History where he volunteered. We kept looking for the perfect day and time, and now that special opportunity is lost forever. Howie, who I knew when he was an assistant coach at Fordham, was always one of those people “around NY sports,” and I can never really remember him asking for anything as a member of the media or a coach…he was always giving. Jeff I only got to know recently through our work together on The Coach Knapp Stair Climb, but again by all accounts he was leaning in to help and aspire to have those in his universe reach great heights. Even in the transactional world of the agent, he was the giver more than the taker.
In each case, you heard from them not to ask you for something, but for what you are doing, and what could they do to help you.
Personally, even with the “hear froms” I still take the calls and the emails and the texts. I am in a position in life where I don’t need much from many, and feel like those conversations can still be beneficial if I realize an ask is coming. It sometimes turns into a game as well…waiting after the small talk for what the ask will be this time, and I never look for a return on my investment of time, although many times the return does come, just maybe not from the “hear from.”
I don’t take it personally, at least not that often as I used to.
The last bit of advice I pass along is to remember that your value, although not stated that often as we would like by others, shows up in the strangest places sometimes, and by other s who have noticed. It’s part of that unwritten resume we refer to..what people say about you when you are not around. Even the “hear froms” know what value you have. After all, that’s why they are reaching out. It’s still better than not being heard at all, and at the end of the day, it helps you craft your own narrative which you can share at the right time with the right folks.
That’s how we grow, not by worrying about what people aren’t doing for us, by focusing on what we are getting done.
You may not always hear it when you want, but it will be there. It just takes time…theirs is not always yours.
