The “Hear Froms” Return…and Are Usually Worth Listening To…

It always seems to happen more around this time of year for various reasons…fiscal calendars, graduations, changes in leadership and so on…but the spigot on people reaching out to find out what’s next in their careers seems to get much bigger.

One theme that always seems to come up is the question of “why people don’t get back to me right away.” When people reach out as they seem more and more concerned and frustrated, it is usually one of the first things I address. Many can’t seem to understand that colleagues, friends, neighbors who THEY have helped for years suddenly seem to turn a blind eye to them. They can’t fathom why when they were part of the insider’s group at a company or a team they ere part of conversations and strategy and camaraderie, and now they see posts on social platforms from former colleagues that they are no longer included in and it is upsetting to them.  

They wonder about their impact and their legacy, and many seem to get jealous when people who have benefitted from their hard work move on, and even when small opportunities come up to include them in…parties, weddings, get-togthers…they are no longer on “the list.”  Some even move to the point of anger, building lists of people who they helped who are now “slighting them” when they are needed.

I have done all these things in the past, and the advice I tell people now is as hard as it is, don’t take it personally. It may not seem fair or accurate to you today, but you are now on other people’s time, they are not on yours, and finding ways to stay informed, relevant and positive will pay greater dividends than being angry or bitter or desperate.  

There is also an amazement in these conversations about the “hear from” people. They are the group, we probably all know them, who you “hear from” when they need something and NEVER when they don’t. You are a business asset to them…a piece of a transaction, you have a resource that they need, or you hold information that is critical to them, and they reach out looking for something. You have value as an asset, not as much as a person. There is rarely a quid pro quo, and that surprises people. It angers many people to a large extent, and those “hear froms” go on the list to the point where when they are confronted sometimes, a relationship ends. In most cases I have found the “hear froms” don’t actually realize they are perceived that way, and in some other instances when the “hear froms”  don’t get responses they are surprised that people don’t get back to them quickly. It’s all part of the learning experience, and most of it is not personal.

That for the newly indoctrinated, is hard to sometimes accept.

It’s personal to them and while we all sometimes get frustrated and maybe even lash out, it doesn;t get you anywhere usually for the long term.

I raise this not only because of the inbounds and the time of year, but becuase every time it seems there are many asking for the hand out, someone usually comes along with a literal “hand out,”…career advice, a favor, an unexpected thank you, that seems to pay back tenfold what the inbound asks are, if we are open to it.

Personally, even with the “hear froms” I still take the calls and the emails and the texts. I am in a position in life where I don’t need much from many, and feel like those conversations can still be beneficial if I realize an ask is coming. It sometimes turns into a game as well…waiting after the small talk for what the ask will be this time, and I never look for a return on my investment of time, although many times the return does come, just maybe not from the “hear from.”

I don’t take it personally, at least not that often as I used to.

The last bit of advice I pass along is to remember that your value, although not stated that often as we would like by others, shows up in the strangest places sometimes, and by others who have noticed. It’s part of that unwritten resume we refer to…what people say about you when you are not around. Even the “hear froms” know what value you have. After all, that’s why they are reaching out. It’s still better than not being heard at all, and at the end of the day, it helps you craft your own narrative which you can share at the right time with the right folks.

That’s how we grow, not by worrying about what people aren’t doing for us, by focusing on what we are getting done.

 You may not always hear it when you want, but it will be there. It just takes time…theirs is not always yours.